3 months

So much has happened in the past 3 months. I've been putting off updating the blog as everything is hard to put into words.

We completed all of our training and learned a lot. We have been practicing some of the new discipline techniques with out current kids. It will be interesting to say the least.

All 4 of our home study visits were completed by our home study social worker. Everything seemed to go well. We requested and paid for all of our supporting documentation and turned it over to the HS agency. Our home inspection by the fire marshal and the social worker passed. We got all of our medical documentation completed and turned in as well. That was a feat on its own as we had to have our doctors re-do their statements about 4 times. Then the call came:

The social worker asked if we could come in to meet with her and her supervisor. I asked if this was a bad thing and she evaded my question. Greg and I went in the next day and were met by our social worker, her supervisor and the head of the program. The entire meeting was strange to say the least. The supervisor explained that the social worker did not feel that she could approve the HS yet. They wanted to wait and re-evaluate our family again in a year. We were shocked as we had no indication of anything prior to the meeting. No concerns had been raised so far. When we asked why they were making this decision, we were given multiple answers. They were worried as Gavyn had recently been diagnosed with selective antibody syndrome (she takes a daily antibiotic for this) and they want to see how her disease progresses. They stated that Greg was too new a diabetic (he was diagnosed 2 1/2 years ago and is completely under control), they were worried about me working hours at a second job and my mental health as well as the fact that we do not have 30K saved up for the adoption. We did not understand these concerns as we turned in medical documentation about Gavyn and Greg's medical conditions and their treatment plans, my 2nd job is only temporary (I was working maybe 4-8 hours per week) and I had a psychological evaluation that cleared my mental health. As for the concern over finances, we did not understand this either. They told us that all of their adoptive families already have the money saved up. I called bull, but they insisted that this was the case and that all adoptive families with all agencies have this money. I asked why families fund raise then and was ignored. They also told us that we would not be able to maintain the match with our current child. This was the most devastating part to me.
They told us our options were to either withdraw from their agency, wait another year and re-do everything or they could complete the HS and we would never be able to adopt. We left the meeting in quite a state of shock.

I called out placing adoption agency on the way home for clarification. The placing agency social worker told me that they had been given very different reasons for why they would not complete our HS. They were told by the HS social worker that she was worried that I "would snap" eventually. They were also worried about Greg not being fully vested in the adoption process and me doing all of the work.

What? We were both so puzzled by this. Due to the fact that I had been on depression medications, I had to have a letter of clearance from my doctor about mental health. I also had to complete a full psychological eval. Both reports came back with glowing recommendations. Our placing agency reported that the HS social worker told them that she just did not believe the documents she received and that I had somehow duped them. Again; what? I was extremely offended by this and still think it is unfair for her to go against medical evaluations, one of which was completed by a medical professional that had treated me for 8 years. Greg was also very offended that anyone would think that he was not completely invested in this adoption. Greg has expressed his excitement and desire for an adopted child many times throughout our HS visits and is working hard to complete all of the needed paperwork with me.

We tried to fight their decision. They will not change their mind though. Although they have changed their reasoning as to why they made that decision. When I challenged them about the discrepancies between what they told us and what they told our placing agency, we were given the run around. Eventually they denied telling our placing any of the reported information and claimed the placing agency lied to us. They are saying that we will make great adoptive parents some day, but they want to wait to see how Gavyn does with the antibiotics. They are refusing to give us any of the paperwork that we paid to have completed by independent parties complete. We will also have to pay all of our fees again if we wait another year.
So basically we are out a little over 4K, lost the child we were loving as our own, and all of our hard work over the past few months is gone.

This entire story sounds made up doesn't it? I doubt I would have believed it if I wasn't living it. I assure you it is unfortunately all true. Adopting can be a very political and apparently we did not play the game correctly. It is sad that it can be such a game because it really is the children that always loose in the end. We were open and completely honest about everything in our lives, evaluated ourselves on so many levels, and have worked so hard to prepare ourselves for our new daughter. Yet it wasn't enough for the social worker.

It took a lot of praying and crying to grieve the loss of AnNa. We allowed ourselves to grieve though. We needed to grieve. We have prayed so much about what to do next. Should we continue? Was this God saying No? We both have come to the conclusion that adopting is something we are supposed to do. This is the right thing for our family. Satan uses many things to discourage and try to thwart potential adoptive families. I know this is what he is trying to do with our family and we will not let him! Our HS social worker told us that she hated when people said that they were "called" to adopt, but I think that all families trying to adopt have been "called" in one way or another. We are not just doing this because we want to, but we also think that this is what God wants us to do.

Our placing agency has given us the option to walk away from adoption or completely or to stay with them and find another agency. They are still willing to work with us and have told us that they feel we are appropriate.

Where do we go from here? Well, we have talked to may people about what is next. An old friend and former co-worker have been invaluable during this time and has provided much encouragement and advice. She works in the adoption world and I thank God for her counsel.

I have spoken with another HS agency and explained our situation. They spoke with our placing agency and have been trying to speak with our old HS agency to get a good picture of our family. We are waiting to hear back to see if they are willing to complete our HS.

We did not expect to have to re-do all of our paperwork and pay for everything all over again. This will be another hurdle we will have to overcome. I know we will figure it all out. Things will just take a little more time and effort now. Oh, and the waiting. Always with the waiting.

Update

Wow, I can't believe that it has been almost a month since I have posted. So much has happened in the past few weeks. Lets see....

We met with Dr. K to go over AnNa's file. There was not too much that we didn't already know. She did explain that the heart condition does looks as though it was misdiagnosed. Her heart does not look bad at all. The cardiologist reviewed the paperwork and believes that she won't need any treatment. We won't know until we have her evaluated here, but it looks good. There was not enough information about her cleft palate to determine what level it is, but we can work with that.

Dr. K explained that the paperwork was a little confusing with the dates. She believes that her birthdate is probably close to accurate. It looks as though the evaluation where she had 7 teeth was not completed when she was 2 months old, but rather when she was 14 months old. That makes much more sense.

After the appointment we informed the adoption agency that we would like to pursue AnNa. They locked her file for us meaning that we have 6 months to get all of our paperwork completed and submitted to China.

It's hard to actually believe that we know who are daughter will be. This is such a foreign thing, picking out a child and knowing that you will have her with you eventually, but she will be living in an orphanage thousands of miles away until all of the red tape is completed. She doesn't even know I exist yet. Frustrating and exciting at the same time.

I did a little research trying to find any information that I could about the orphanage where she lives. The only thing I have found so far is from over a year ago. A small group from a ministry visited her orphanage and visited with the children and staff. There were a few pictures of children in their rooms. The room looked like the one that AnNa was pictured in, but they probably all look the same. The room looked dirty. It broke my heart to hear that they did not have any cleft bottles to feed the children with cleft palate/lips with. One baby was so bad that one of the nannies rigged up an NG tube with rubber tubing and fed her through it. Thankfully the visitors were able to provide a few special bottles to the nannies and taught them how to use them. My baby was most likely there during that time. How had they been feeding her? We don't know how bad her cleft is or how she does with eating. It makes me want to leave for China right now and snatch my baby up. In the 2 pictures we have of her, she looks like she is a nice size so hopefully she is doing well. I hate that there is no way of knowing. I understood going into this that we would know very little and that it was a long process. That doesn't change the fact that I don't like not knowing and waiting though. It also doesn't stop the worrying.

When I was little, I remember my Dad always praying "a hedge of protection" around all of us kids. I didn't really understand what that meant and thought it sounded kind of funny. For some reason, I always pictured a hedgehog running around a little square of bushes with me standing inside the square. It is such a silly picture from the mind of a child. I could never understand why my Dad prayed for a hedge to surround me. It didn't seem to me that a hedge would be very good protection.
One day I googled where that statement came from and surprised to find that it is from Job 1. God and Satan were talking and Satan, referring to Job, asked God if He had put a hedge of protection around him. Apparently in Bible times, stone walls were not a feasible option for keeping predators from homes and livestock as it was too costly and the walls would have to be too high. Thorn bushes, on the other hand, were easy to grow around things and were the perfect deterrent to predators. A thorn hedge is an appropriate metaphor for the protection God gives us when we ask. I LOVE this metaphor now. I now pray for a strong hedge of thorns to surround my baby and keep out any illness or intended harm!

There is so much more that has happened in the past month, but at 1:30am, it will have to wait for another time.

Patience

Being me, I was getting impatient to find out what was going to happen with Haylie. The other family had until tomorrow to make their decision, but I couldn't wait any longer. I sent an email to social worker K to find out if she had heard anything.

Now, I probably should have started off by saying that I was not having the best of days. It was just one of those days where tons of little things were just not going the way they were supposed to go. I was struggling to get out of my bad mood and hoping for some good news. When the phone rang a few minutes later, I knew it wasn't good.

K was calling. She stated that she never liked giving bad news through email and wanted to call to let me know that the other family wanted Haylie. I was actually surprised that when she told me, I was ok. I was not upset and it didn't make my heart hurt. I was happy that Haylie had found a family even if it wasn't us. I was calm and ok. I was worried about Greg as he was really attached to Haylie. He tried hard not to become too attached as he knew the probability of us getting her was low.

K then said that she did have some good news for us. Monday was the day where agencies are assigned new children. She said that Holt was given a new child that they thought we would like. She sounded a lot like Haylie according to K. She has a cleft as well as a heart issue. She immediately thought of us when they got her file as we were willing to take another child with the same issues. K also gave me an update of a few other girls that we were interested in seeing their files. I told her that we would love to review the file.

About an hour or so later, I got another call from K. She told me that she had not seen the pictures of the child(they are calling her "Tessa") and that the pictures had finally come over to her. She was pleasantly surprised that Tessa looked completely "normal." She does not have a cleft lip, only a cleft palate along with the heart issue. I was not concerned either way, but this will be one less surgical fix she will have to endure.

I ran over to my computer after I got off of the phone and pulled up Tessa's file. I waited to look at her pictures until last as I didn't want to bias myself towards or against her due to looks. She is about 20 months old. I actually think that she is older as the report from when she was found at 2 months old said she had 7 teeth. Maybe that is possible, but I have never heard of a 2 month old having 7 teeth. She was very malnourished and I think they guessed her birthday wrong.

Anyway, as far as I can tell her heart issue looks minor and her cleft palate is fixable. She sounds like a normal functioning toddler. Her speech is behind, but so is Griffin's speech so I'm not worried about that. She had an update from earlier this month which is GREAT to have such updated info. I looked at her pictures after reading all of the information and she is just a doll.

 

 

 



Greg and I decided that we would have her file looked at by Dr. K to see if she picks up on anything that we didn't. I emailed K to let her know what we were doing. She responded back with a list of home study agencies that partner with them in the area and told us that the China team was sure that they could get our family through the approval process and they want us to start our home study. How awesome is that!!

If you haven't figured it out by now, I am not the most patient person in the world. I don't like waiting and not knowing. A friend of mine posted a statement on Facebook that really made me think.

"Pretty sure God didn't ask Abraham to wait for Isaac to be born for God's account. Obeying & waiting is hard."

How true, especially for me. I'm still working on the obeying and waiting patiently part. Even if we say yes to Tessa, there will be some wait and I am sure there will be more obstacles. I'm even more certain that I will learn so much during the rest of this process. I can't wait to see what God does in our lives. And there I go being impatient again.

 

One Less

Man, where to begin? The day after my last post I received a call from our adoption worker, K. We spent over an hour talking and it was so refreshing. Things are more easily explained on the phone rather than in email and we were able to discuss all of our options. We discussed Elizabeth and why she did not feel that she was right for our family. She had a little more information than we did(would have been nice to know when she turned us down the first time, but I digress) and I agree that she sounds a little much for us.

After speaking with K for a while, she mentioned that the other family that had showed interest in Haylie had asked for an update and was requesting specific information from the orphanage and Haylie's doctor. As we are also interested in Haylie, the agency will pass the info to us when they receive it. K also mentioned that they had requested Kirsten's file for us to review and wanted to know if we were interested in any of the other kids at her foster home. Talk about confusion. So, is there still a little hope that we could get Haylie? Should we keep looking or wait? Looking at multiple children at the same time is so strange. We were told to try to stay impartial during this process, but really how is that possible when you are looking for a child to join your family?

Today we received the update. The other family asked very pointed questions with some of them being a little different. They asked a lot of questions about her cognitive status, learning potential, and wanted an updated echo. All reports were favorable including the echo. Apparently her heart decided to repair itself. She is no longer on any heart medications and no hole was detected. They included 2 updated pictures as well.

Look at that sweet little face. How could you not fall in love?
We were informed that if the other family passes on her after reviewing the update, we could submit our info to China to adopt her. The other family has one week to decide. Waiting is torture. Trying not to hope is worse. No matter the outcome, she will have a family and that is what really matters. One less orphan in this world.

In other news, we are starting our first fundraiser. Who knew you could raise money with shoes? There is an organization that will give you a certain amount of time to collect at least 10,000 pairs of shoes. They will then weigh them and give you a per pound amount. I am really excited to start fundraising and use that money to bring our daughter(whoever that may be) home.

Again and Again

Well, my frustration level has definitely not gone down over the past week, but I am beginning to think that adoption in general must just be frustrating.

We heard from the adoption worker that one of the other families was interested in Haylie and she suggested another child for us as they would be chosen for her. Unfortunately, the other child had an issue that we as a family do not think that we would be able to capably care for. So the search for our daughter begins again.

I have seen her sweet little face many times on the Internet among the many facebook and yahoo adoption groups that I am part of. I had never considered her as her bio said she may have progeria(rapid aging - think Jack with Robin Williams). Recent genetic testing shows that she is negative for progeria, but could have another genetic disorder.

She does have other medical issues, but without reviewing her file she looks like a child that we could work with. I emailed the adoption worker to see if we could find out what country she was in and the requirements. While waiting for a reply back, I was able to find out that she is currently in S. Korea(happens to be the most expensive place to adopt from). We may need a waiver for my medications, but I am not sure yet. I would definitely need a waiver for my weight and Greg would need a dr clearance letter(already have) overall not too bad in my opinion.

Well, about 2 hours later we heard back from the adoption worker again. I am beginning to dread reading my email right about now as the news is never good. The worker doesn't think that we would be a good match as we already have 3 young kids and she may have a genetic syndrome(Um, so may Haylie). So, a big fat NO for that child. The worker then reported that she would find out tomorrow which family Haylie will go to. I'm a little confused though as we have already been told that we cannot get her. *Insert exasperated face here.*

Picking out a child is such a strange concept. We did not have a choice in what disorders our biological children have. In fact, my kids look dreadful on paper when you look at their medical issues. I may not have chosen them if I was just looking at them on paper. I don't have any problem taking care of or loving them though. I find it so difficult that someone is evaluating my parenting skills and ability to care for a child when they know absolutely nothing about me.

Once we finally have our daughter safely in our arms, I know that none of this will matter. I know I need to allow God to strengthen me and look at all of the negatives in a good light. Knowing and doing are two different things. I do daily chose to start fresh with the process and stay positive only to find I have yet again given in to the frustrations of my human flesh. I'm still working on fully trusting God in the situation that He has the perfect addition to our family in mind. I am just eternally impatient. Thank goodness for a God that gives me a chance, again and again.

Dr. K

* I started this postover a week ago and forgot I never finished. Whoops!

Tuesday was quit a busy day. Training all morning at work, then rushed off to G3's annual Help Me Grow evaluation, then rushed off to meet with Dr. K to go over Haylie's file, back to work, and then finally home. Phew, what a day.

I didn't know what to expect when meeting with Dr. K, but I was plesantly surprised. Dr. K has adopted in the past(her youngest is now 20) and spends a great amount of time traveling and doing mission work. She and her husband have fostered 4 children from various countries including China. They would foster the child until they had heart surgery and could return home. Dr, K spent almost 2 hours going over the file with us and explaining everything including the creative ways that different problems are worded to disguise.

So deciphering all of the adoption speak: Haylie is old to have her cleft lip and palate fixed, but it should be an easy surgery. Her speech is very behind as it is hard to talk with her mouth the way it is. After the repair, she should be able to work with speech therapy and learn to speak. It will take time, but it will come. The cranial facial doctor will want her to have surgery within the first few weeks of being home(assuming we are chosen as her parents).

Haylie's height and weight were very good for her age especially with the cleft. Dr. K said that kids as old as she is that have the same problem are usually under weight and malnourished as most of them are not resourceful enough to figure out how to eat properly. She is apparently eating mostly normally.

The one part of the file that I was most worried about was the heart condition. Dr. K explained how there was a small hole in the left ventricle and blood flow was interrupted. She spoke with the cardiologist who agreed with her that the echo and heart studies were showing that the hole was closing on it's own and it should not be much of a problem if at all.

Dr. K was able to explain so many of the specific medical things we would need to do if we end up with Haylie. It was good to meet with someone so knowledgeable. Once we have a travel date for our child, she will link us up with the appropriate team of specialists who will go over even more specifics as to what will happen when she gets home. As much as I dislike Children's Hospital due to many issues with G3, I have to say that we live in an amazing area of the country if you need medical assistance with an adopted child. Everything medical is so close by and easily accessed. So, the weather sucks here in Ohio, but we have great doctors.

Even with all of the good news about Haylie, I am struggling with being extremely frustrated with our adoption agency. We had several emails back and forth with them on Tuesday. We told them that we would like to pursue the adoption of Haylie and we were informed that 2 other families had requested her file at this point. Basically, if either of those families would chose to pursue Haylie then they would get her over us as we are at the bottom of the barrel so to speak due to my medication. Now I know that God is in control of this situation and if we are not the family for Haylie or she is not the daughter for us than it will be ok, but I am still frustrated with them. They knew we were paying quite a lot of money to have her file reviewed and 5 minutes before we met with the doctor, I received an email informing us that it was great that we were reviewing her file with the doctor as we will now know about heart conditions and can use that information when looking for another child. I know adoption is very political and agencies don't want to have their 100% success rate diminished by having China turn us down, but it is so frustrating.

Haylie's File

Yesterday, we received our first child file to review. Greg couldn't get over how strange it feels to pick out a child for our family. I agree that it does feel weird. It would be much easier if God just plopped a child in our family and said "Here you go." Knowing we have to have the wisdom to know what child is right for our family, what type of disabilities we can deal with, and what our biological children can handle, is very overwhelming at times.

One of my many flaws is that I don't always first turn to God with problems or when big decisions have to be made. I tend to jump first and ask for guidance later. A child, especially one with special needs, is not something that I can take lightly though. Thankfully there has been much prayer before we started this process and I am trying hard to continue to take everything to the Lord before jumping headlong into a decision.

Anyway, back to the child file. There really is not much in the file to base our determination on. There is an old medical report that was done when she was 2(she is now 3 1/2), her medical report written all in Chinese, 11 pictures, and a small updated note from this month reporting her WBC count(elevated), height, weight, etc, and that she enjoys helping out with the babies in the orphanage. At the end of the note, someone wrote "By the way, she is very smart!" I thought that was cute.

A few red flags went up when I was trying to decipher the medical report. We knew about the cleft lip/palate and a small heart murmur so that was no surprise, but I noticed words like CHD, VSD, and ventricular septal defect. Now, I am not a medical professional by any means, but I have spent a lot of time working in a nursing facility so I have seen these things on medical paperwork before and they are never a good thing. I had a nurse at work look at the file and he was able to fill me in a bit. It sounds as though she has an issue with part of the middle of her heart bulging to one side and might need surgery to repair it. It also appears that she may have an aneurysm. She was not cleared by the cardiologist to have surgery on her cleft due to unknowns about her heart. What we don't know is if the heart repair is an easy surgery or if there is risk of death involved.

Thankfully, our adoption agency is not leaving us out to the wolves when it comes to the report. The social worker sent me a list of agencies in the US that can assist with the reports in the file. One of the physicians happens to be at Akron Children's Hospital right near us. The doctor is actually in Haiti until this weekend so I was able to schedule an appointment to review the file with the doctor next week.

While we wait for next Tuesday, I will start gathering documents to eventually go in our dossier.

Choice

Today we got to speak with the clinical social worker K for over an hour and a half. She gave us so much helpful information and was able to answer the questions we currently have. We went over the process and the steps we need to take next. We need to listen to a few webinars, read a book about transitioning our current children, schedule appointment with our doctor for medical clearance and most importantly: CHOOSE OUR NEW DAUGHTER!

K directed us to two sites of special need children to look at. She gave us extra information about one little girl. We are allowed to look at two files at a time and she recommended that we have a physician look over them with us. Greg and I spent a long time going through photos and found two little ones we want to find more information on. Kristine recommended that we look for a child that is younger than Gavyn, but older than Griffin.

Haylie is 3 1/2 and has a cleft lip III degree and cleft palate II degree as well as a small heart issue. The cleft lip should be repaired soon, but she will need follow up.

Kirsten is a little younger at 3. She has a complex heart disease, a small hernia and milk and bean allergy.

Greg and I spent time with both of our kids individually going over the pictures of the girls. Gage was sad as he wanted an older sister. He saw a picture of a 12 year old from Cambodia that he wanted as his sister. I had to explain to him that unfortunately, Cambodia was not open for adoption at this time, but that they were working on it. Gage told me that we should pray to God and ask Him who should be his new sister. We spent time praying and snuggling. Gage then asked how he would know what God's answer was. I told him that sometimes when you are very quiet, that God will speak to you. Gage snuggled in close for a little while. A few minutes later he looked up and informed me that he heard from God. I smiled and thought he would say something funny, but he was very serious when he looked at me. He said that God had spoken to his heart and told his heart that He will lead us to the right sister and not to worry. I teared up and gave him a kiss. What wisdom from such a little man.

Just like her brother, Gavyn was mad that she would not be getting an older sister. We explained that she would be close to the same age and she was much happier with that idea. She liked the picture of Haylie, but told me she was scared of the way her mouth looked. She was interested in learning a little about cleft palate and felt much better when we talked about two of her friends that had a cleft palate when they were born. Gavyn liked how cute Kirsten was, but didn't understand why she may need more surgery on her heart.

We should receive the girl's files to review early next week. It's very exciting, but also a little nerve wracking knowing that one of these girls could be our new daughter. Lots of praying to do.

James 1: 2-8

Before I get to the title of the post, I should explain a little background info. While looking through websites of available kids in China, I noticed a small little girl named Charlotte. She is 6 and is diagnosed with OI(brittle bone disorder). She will need several surgeries to place rods in her limbs to help her function in life. She has a few other minor issues she will need to overcome.
Now, I know that I should not be falling in love with a child at this stage of the game, but just couldn't help it. Her timid little personality drew me in. Her birthday is in February and we would then have 2 kids with a July birthday and 2 with February birthdays. Another plus was her name. If Griffin had been a girl, I would have named him Charlotte. That name is just so beautiful in my opinion. I began praying for little Charlotte as well as for God to give us guidance if she should become part of our family as I so wanted her to be.

So........

This past weekend while sitting in church listening to the sermon, God spoke to my heart. The sermon was based on James.

At one point in the sermon our pastor said that "Our disappointment is simply God's redirection." That statement really hit me. Throughout the rest of the sermon, God made it clear to me that Charlotte was not for me and that even though I was saddened and disappointed, He had another direction for our family.
I have to admit that this did not exactly thrill me, but I made a choice to trust that He knows what is best for my family and was rewarded with peace.

The next day, I found out that someone had committed to Charlotte. I found myself happy for the family and wanted to find out who they were so I could follow their journey. It turns out that it is a single woman looking to adopt and she shares the same disorder. She will be able to help Charlotte learn how to live with her disorder as she has. What a blessing for that child as well as for her soon to be mommy.

I still don't know who the child is that God has for our family, but I trust that He knows what it best. Knowing me, I may fall in love again with another child that is not for me, but I'm learning to deal with my disappointment as I know that God is just redirecting me to something far better.

The Social Worker

Now that we have started the adoption process, I am anxious to start getting major things done. Unfortunately, adoptions don't exactly work like that. I have been emailing back and forth with M, the Social Work Manager. There will be a few extra steps for us to go through for the waiver process, but I honestly don't mind.

1. We will need a positive medical letter and a psychological evaluation. Ok, I totally understand that and have no problem with it as they want to make sure we are not crazy since I have a depression diagnosis.

2. She also mentioned that she wants us to speak with a clinical social worker as this is our first adoption and we have a young child in the home. She is worried that we don't know enough about out of order birth adoptions. Again, no problem with that. I would love as much information as I can get.

M was able to give us more hope that the adoption will go through. She informed me that they have successfully obtained a waiver for several families in the past. We will have to be matched with a child and then submit our medical papers to China for pre-approval. We will only be allowed to choose a Special Focus child, but that was what we were looking at anyway so I am not worried. A Special Focus child is one that China considers hard to adopt. They are usually over the age of 2 and have medical issues. Many of the children were just born under 4lbs and are then considered special focus for that reason alone. When we submitted our application, we went through a list of disorders and problems that we would be willing to care for. There are so many special focus children in China that it is honestly quite overwhelming to decide on which child is for you. I have done a lot of research and praying and have actually found a child that I am absolutely in love with, but that is for another post.

The Beginning

I never like starting out with a blank blog. It seems such a daunting task to start to put all of your feelings/stories/comments on a page with no guidance. I have started many blogs only to give up within the first few posts as I didn't know what to say.
It's a little like my first feelings about adoption. When thinking about adoption, I am so overwhelmed with the thought of the task that I am unsure of how to start or what to do. Thankfully, I have found an abundance of resources in that area as well as overwhelming support from friends and family and we are fully invested in the fact that we WILL be adopting a child from China.

How we ended up with adoption:
I have always had the thought of adoption in the back of my mind. As a social worker, I worked with foster childern for several years after I first graduated from college. Seeing the loss and pain the children had been through broke my heart. I figured that someday Greg and I would adopt domestically through the county, but God had other plans.

Greg and I have always felt that we should have 4 children. After having 3 and losing 3 to miscarriage, I was done. I couldn't handle the fact that there was a great possibility of losing another child if we had more. We both struggled with this for a long time before we agreed that it was best for our family to stop at 3 amazing kids. This never fully sat right with me though, and the more we discussed it, the more Greg and I realized that even though we could no longer birth a child, we could certainly love and care for another child through adoption. What was adding one more to our crazy little brood.

I don't even remember when I began researching international adoption, but I do know that one of my former co-workers has been a huge influence on me in that area. Watching her passion for special needs international adoption and learning more about it through her made me see the extreme need. I initially looked into Europe for adoption, but it didn't feel right. When I started looking about adoption in China, I had a peace that could have only come from God. I was worried though. Would my husband share the excitment and calling that I felt? I give in to worry too easily and was nervous to find out his reaction. My worries were unfounded though as Greg was on board with the idea.

The first step:
I began researching adoption agencies and found one that I thought would suit our family. We excitedly filled out the pre-application form and submitted it to the agency. I waited several days with no contact from the agency so I decided to take matters into my own hands and call. I spoke with a woman from the agency that matter of fact informed me that since I have a diagnosis of depression, that our family would not be able to adopt from China and to pick another country. Had I heard God wrong? Was I mistaking my desires for what God wanted? I have to admit that I was crushed for about a day. I gave in to the pity and anger of being shoved into a category because of a depression diagnosis that I had no control over. I then turned to God in prayer which I should have done first. Peace began to come back. I also turned to an amazing group of women that I am a part of on Facebook. I do not know most of the women in real life. We have come together from all over the US and Canada initially to discuss holiday deals, but branched out to share frustrations, joys and every day life with each other. I posted about my brokenness over being denied China and was met with many kind and helpful responses. Several had been through the adoption process or had known someone that had. One informed me that there were actually waivers that could be completed for everything other than minimum age and suggested that another adoption agency may be more helpful. Hope came back.

I researched agencies that people I had spoken to had actually used. H adoption agency(name removed due to confidentiality reasons) had many positive stories from people I found throughout the internet. They were more than helpful with starting the adoption process. I was able to schedule a webinar to review the adoption process for China and go over everything we would need to grow our family. Signing up for the webinar is such a small thing, but it felt like a step forward. We also submitted out applcation and first payment towards the adoption. There are many, many more steps to come and I'm sure we will have larger setbacks to overcome. I do know for a fact though that my sweet little daughter is waiting for her Mommy, 7000 miles away, and I cannot wait to meet her.