Haylie's File

Yesterday, we received our first child file to review. Greg couldn't get over how strange it feels to pick out a child for our family. I agree that it does feel weird. It would be much easier if God just plopped a child in our family and said "Here you go." Knowing we have to have the wisdom to know what child is right for our family, what type of disabilities we can deal with, and what our biological children can handle, is very overwhelming at times.

One of my many flaws is that I don't always first turn to God with problems or when big decisions have to be made. I tend to jump first and ask for guidance later. A child, especially one with special needs, is not something that I can take lightly though. Thankfully there has been much prayer before we started this process and I am trying hard to continue to take everything to the Lord before jumping headlong into a decision.

Anyway, back to the child file. There really is not much in the file to base our determination on. There is an old medical report that was done when she was 2(she is now 3 1/2), her medical report written all in Chinese, 11 pictures, and a small updated note from this month reporting her WBC count(elevated), height, weight, etc, and that she enjoys helping out with the babies in the orphanage. At the end of the note, someone wrote "By the way, she is very smart!" I thought that was cute.

A few red flags went up when I was trying to decipher the medical report. We knew about the cleft lip/palate and a small heart murmur so that was no surprise, but I noticed words like CHD, VSD, and ventricular septal defect. Now, I am not a medical professional by any means, but I have spent a lot of time working in a nursing facility so I have seen these things on medical paperwork before and they are never a good thing. I had a nurse at work look at the file and he was able to fill me in a bit. It sounds as though she has an issue with part of the middle of her heart bulging to one side and might need surgery to repair it. It also appears that she may have an aneurysm. She was not cleared by the cardiologist to have surgery on her cleft due to unknowns about her heart. What we don't know is if the heart repair is an easy surgery or if there is risk of death involved.

Thankfully, our adoption agency is not leaving us out to the wolves when it comes to the report. The social worker sent me a list of agencies in the US that can assist with the reports in the file. One of the physicians happens to be at Akron Children's Hospital right near us. The doctor is actually in Haiti until this weekend so I was able to schedule an appointment to review the file with the doctor next week.

While we wait for next Tuesday, I will start gathering documents to eventually go in our dossier.

Choice

Today we got to speak with the clinical social worker K for over an hour and a half. She gave us so much helpful information and was able to answer the questions we currently have. We went over the process and the steps we need to take next. We need to listen to a few webinars, read a book about transitioning our current children, schedule appointment with our doctor for medical clearance and most importantly: CHOOSE OUR NEW DAUGHTER!

K directed us to two sites of special need children to look at. She gave us extra information about one little girl. We are allowed to look at two files at a time and she recommended that we have a physician look over them with us. Greg and I spent a long time going through photos and found two little ones we want to find more information on. Kristine recommended that we look for a child that is younger than Gavyn, but older than Griffin.

Haylie is 3 1/2 and has a cleft lip III degree and cleft palate II degree as well as a small heart issue. The cleft lip should be repaired soon, but she will need follow up.

Kirsten is a little younger at 3. She has a complex heart disease, a small hernia and milk and bean allergy.

Greg and I spent time with both of our kids individually going over the pictures of the girls. Gage was sad as he wanted an older sister. He saw a picture of a 12 year old from Cambodia that he wanted as his sister. I had to explain to him that unfortunately, Cambodia was not open for adoption at this time, but that they were working on it. Gage told me that we should pray to God and ask Him who should be his new sister. We spent time praying and snuggling. Gage then asked how he would know what God's answer was. I told him that sometimes when you are very quiet, that God will speak to you. Gage snuggled in close for a little while. A few minutes later he looked up and informed me that he heard from God. I smiled and thought he would say something funny, but he was very serious when he looked at me. He said that God had spoken to his heart and told his heart that He will lead us to the right sister and not to worry. I teared up and gave him a kiss. What wisdom from such a little man.

Just like her brother, Gavyn was mad that she would not be getting an older sister. We explained that she would be close to the same age and she was much happier with that idea. She liked the picture of Haylie, but told me she was scared of the way her mouth looked. She was interested in learning a little about cleft palate and felt much better when we talked about two of her friends that had a cleft palate when they were born. Gavyn liked how cute Kirsten was, but didn't understand why she may need more surgery on her heart.

We should receive the girl's files to review early next week. It's very exciting, but also a little nerve wracking knowing that one of these girls could be our new daughter. Lots of praying to do.

James 1: 2-8

Before I get to the title of the post, I should explain a little background info. While looking through websites of available kids in China, I noticed a small little girl named Charlotte. She is 6 and is diagnosed with OI(brittle bone disorder). She will need several surgeries to place rods in her limbs to help her function in life. She has a few other minor issues she will need to overcome.
Now, I know that I should not be falling in love with a child at this stage of the game, but just couldn't help it. Her timid little personality drew me in. Her birthday is in February and we would then have 2 kids with a July birthday and 2 with February birthdays. Another plus was her name. If Griffin had been a girl, I would have named him Charlotte. That name is just so beautiful in my opinion. I began praying for little Charlotte as well as for God to give us guidance if she should become part of our family as I so wanted her to be.

So........

This past weekend while sitting in church listening to the sermon, God spoke to my heart. The sermon was based on James.

At one point in the sermon our pastor said that "Our disappointment is simply God's redirection." That statement really hit me. Throughout the rest of the sermon, God made it clear to me that Charlotte was not for me and that even though I was saddened and disappointed, He had another direction for our family.
I have to admit that this did not exactly thrill me, but I made a choice to trust that He knows what is best for my family and was rewarded with peace.

The next day, I found out that someone had committed to Charlotte. I found myself happy for the family and wanted to find out who they were so I could follow their journey. It turns out that it is a single woman looking to adopt and she shares the same disorder. She will be able to help Charlotte learn how to live with her disorder as she has. What a blessing for that child as well as for her soon to be mommy.

I still don't know who the child is that God has for our family, but I trust that He knows what it best. Knowing me, I may fall in love again with another child that is not for me, but I'm learning to deal with my disappointment as I know that God is just redirecting me to something far better.

The Social Worker

Now that we have started the adoption process, I am anxious to start getting major things done. Unfortunately, adoptions don't exactly work like that. I have been emailing back and forth with M, the Social Work Manager. There will be a few extra steps for us to go through for the waiver process, but I honestly don't mind.

1. We will need a positive medical letter and a psychological evaluation. Ok, I totally understand that and have no problem with it as they want to make sure we are not crazy since I have a depression diagnosis.

2. She also mentioned that she wants us to speak with a clinical social worker as this is our first adoption and we have a young child in the home. She is worried that we don't know enough about out of order birth adoptions. Again, no problem with that. I would love as much information as I can get.

M was able to give us more hope that the adoption will go through. She informed me that they have successfully obtained a waiver for several families in the past. We will have to be matched with a child and then submit our medical papers to China for pre-approval. We will only be allowed to choose a Special Focus child, but that was what we were looking at anyway so I am not worried. A Special Focus child is one that China considers hard to adopt. They are usually over the age of 2 and have medical issues. Many of the children were just born under 4lbs and are then considered special focus for that reason alone. When we submitted our application, we went through a list of disorders and problems that we would be willing to care for. There are so many special focus children in China that it is honestly quite overwhelming to decide on which child is for you. I have done a lot of research and praying and have actually found a child that I am absolutely in love with, but that is for another post.

The Beginning

I never like starting out with a blank blog. It seems such a daunting task to start to put all of your feelings/stories/comments on a page with no guidance. I have started many blogs only to give up within the first few posts as I didn't know what to say.
It's a little like my first feelings about adoption. When thinking about adoption, I am so overwhelmed with the thought of the task that I am unsure of how to start or what to do. Thankfully, I have found an abundance of resources in that area as well as overwhelming support from friends and family and we are fully invested in the fact that we WILL be adopting a child from China.

How we ended up with adoption:
I have always had the thought of adoption in the back of my mind. As a social worker, I worked with foster childern for several years after I first graduated from college. Seeing the loss and pain the children had been through broke my heart. I figured that someday Greg and I would adopt domestically through the county, but God had other plans.

Greg and I have always felt that we should have 4 children. After having 3 and losing 3 to miscarriage, I was done. I couldn't handle the fact that there was a great possibility of losing another child if we had more. We both struggled with this for a long time before we agreed that it was best for our family to stop at 3 amazing kids. This never fully sat right with me though, and the more we discussed it, the more Greg and I realized that even though we could no longer birth a child, we could certainly love and care for another child through adoption. What was adding one more to our crazy little brood.

I don't even remember when I began researching international adoption, but I do know that one of my former co-workers has been a huge influence on me in that area. Watching her passion for special needs international adoption and learning more about it through her made me see the extreme need. I initially looked into Europe for adoption, but it didn't feel right. When I started looking about adoption in China, I had a peace that could have only come from God. I was worried though. Would my husband share the excitment and calling that I felt? I give in to worry too easily and was nervous to find out his reaction. My worries were unfounded though as Greg was on board with the idea.

The first step:
I began researching adoption agencies and found one that I thought would suit our family. We excitedly filled out the pre-application form and submitted it to the agency. I waited several days with no contact from the agency so I decided to take matters into my own hands and call. I spoke with a woman from the agency that matter of fact informed me that since I have a diagnosis of depression, that our family would not be able to adopt from China and to pick another country. Had I heard God wrong? Was I mistaking my desires for what God wanted? I have to admit that I was crushed for about a day. I gave in to the pity and anger of being shoved into a category because of a depression diagnosis that I had no control over. I then turned to God in prayer which I should have done first. Peace began to come back. I also turned to an amazing group of women that I am a part of on Facebook. I do not know most of the women in real life. We have come together from all over the US and Canada initially to discuss holiday deals, but branched out to share frustrations, joys and every day life with each other. I posted about my brokenness over being denied China and was met with many kind and helpful responses. Several had been through the adoption process or had known someone that had. One informed me that there were actually waivers that could be completed for everything other than minimum age and suggested that another adoption agency may be more helpful. Hope came back.

I researched agencies that people I had spoken to had actually used. H adoption agency(name removed due to confidentiality reasons) had many positive stories from people I found throughout the internet. They were more than helpful with starting the adoption process. I was able to schedule a webinar to review the adoption process for China and go over everything we would need to grow our family. Signing up for the webinar is such a small thing, but it felt like a step forward. We also submitted out applcation and first payment towards the adoption. There are many, many more steps to come and I'm sure we will have larger setbacks to overcome. I do know for a fact though that my sweet little daughter is waiting for her Mommy, 7000 miles away, and I cannot wait to meet her.