Again and Again

Well, my frustration level has definitely not gone down over the past week, but I am beginning to think that adoption in general must just be frustrating.

We heard from the adoption worker that one of the other families was interested in Haylie and she suggested another child for us as they would be chosen for her. Unfortunately, the other child had an issue that we as a family do not think that we would be able to capably care for. So the search for our daughter begins again.

I have seen her sweet little face many times on the Internet among the many facebook and yahoo adoption groups that I am part of. I had never considered her as her bio said she may have progeria(rapid aging - think Jack with Robin Williams). Recent genetic testing shows that she is negative for progeria, but could have another genetic disorder.

She does have other medical issues, but without reviewing her file she looks like a child that we could work with. I emailed the adoption worker to see if we could find out what country she was in and the requirements. While waiting for a reply back, I was able to find out that she is currently in S. Korea(happens to be the most expensive place to adopt from). We may need a waiver for my medications, but I am not sure yet. I would definitely need a waiver for my weight and Greg would need a dr clearance letter(already have) overall not too bad in my opinion.

Well, about 2 hours later we heard back from the adoption worker again. I am beginning to dread reading my email right about now as the news is never good. The worker doesn't think that we would be a good match as we already have 3 young kids and she may have a genetic syndrome(Um, so may Haylie). So, a big fat NO for that child. The worker then reported that she would find out tomorrow which family Haylie will go to. I'm a little confused though as we have already been told that we cannot get her. *Insert exasperated face here.*

Picking out a child is such a strange concept. We did not have a choice in what disorders our biological children have. In fact, my kids look dreadful on paper when you look at their medical issues. I may not have chosen them if I was just looking at them on paper. I don't have any problem taking care of or loving them though. I find it so difficult that someone is evaluating my parenting skills and ability to care for a child when they know absolutely nothing about me.

Once we finally have our daughter safely in our arms, I know that none of this will matter. I know I need to allow God to strengthen me and look at all of the negatives in a good light. Knowing and doing are two different things. I do daily chose to start fresh with the process and stay positive only to find I have yet again given in to the frustrations of my human flesh. I'm still working on fully trusting God in the situation that He has the perfect addition to our family in mind. I am just eternally impatient. Thank goodness for a God that gives me a chance, again and again.